Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field.

... I will meet you there

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borgesianfields



I like to have a small amount of privacy, so not all entries are public. Comment if you'd like to be added!


Bis später
borgesianfields
I am leaving the country AGAIN on Tuesday. I've spent the last two weeks obsessively packing and re-packing and doing whatever I can to save weight in my luggage. I've been reading all the materials the Peace Corps keeps sending me, even if the information is sometimes contradictory. And I've been trying to see the important people one last time for proper goodbyes, especially since one never quite knows what's going to happen.

My parents have scheduled the entire past week full of events. And I don't feel like doing any of them. What I'd really like it just some time to myself to ease into this and slowly finish tying up all those loose ends. And I'm not getting it. And it's making me cranky. Everyone, it seems, is at each others' throats. I jokingly asked my friend if I would get a freebie on murdering my family, provided I looked up the extradition policies between the US and Albania. But at this rate, they might end up killing each other and rendering me redundant.

The plan is this: go to Philly Sunday, enjoy a nice lunch, check into a hotel, spend the next morning with my parents, and then report for staging. It's basically a four-hour block where they ask us repetitively if we are sure we want to commit, and then in the regular fashion, they have us fill out forms.

I was talking to someone who volunteered in Albania before, and I was telling her that I'm just exhausted and that I'd be very happy to finally just be on the plane and be done with it. She said, "Saying goodbye is hard to do," but my secret is that the goodbyes aren't what's giving me the problems... it's just trying to figure out the packing and logistics. I've become a pro at goodbyes and I don't seem to think twice about it. Why fight the inevitable?

Die Fetten Jahre sind vorbei
borgesianfields
We got a call from our ISP telling us that we were perpetrators of copyright infringement. I've been downloading things for YEARS, so this comes as some surprise. As soon as they called and said there was an "issue" that they needed to discuss with the primary account holder, I knew that's what it had to be.

I think it's largely a scare tactic, and let me tell you: it's effective. I spent the next fifteen minutes running around like Karyn Hill flushing the drugs in Goodfellas, except my version focused primarily on deleting downloading programs and downloaded materials. Big brother can strike anywhere in the world we live in now.

Since it was the first infringement, it's a freebie. But I'm not taking any precautions, especially because we all use the internet so much in this house. Perhaps the worst part is that they tell you what exactly got you in trouble. For me, it was Revolutionary Road, a film I haven't watched, but heard was mediocre. I wish I could have gotten busted for something good like Slumdog, then I almost could have rationalized it.

So the downloading is done... for now. I'm leaving in a month anyhow, so it doesn't really affect me much. It's my mom that will have to deal with it, since she loves downloading music. Fortunately, we do live in an area where there are multiple service providers, so it's not like we don't have options if our service were shut down in the future for something else.

In Germany, I spent a lot of time translating papers on DRM and intellectual property rights. But not even that stopped me, and it probably won't stop me in the future either. The thing is, there are other people in this house that would miss the internet. And I'm not about to get them involved. I have no problem dealing with repercussions of my actions when it only affects me, but I don't want others to have to suffer because of something I did. Goodbye downloading illegally, I'm going to miss you.

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borgesianfields
I'm really sad that my class is over. I loved hearing my teacher tell stories.

She showed us a picture of her brother pretend fighting, with the sky as a background. It had to have been from the 50's, and she told us that she brought it with her to the US and never told her brother she took it in the first place.

She showed us pictures of her mother and father and told us stories about her family. Tonight, she had a Matryoshka tonight that was about a foot tall. She told us she didn't have any of the smaller dolls normally found inside because she gave them to all her friends. Her friends were jealous of her giant doll, so she gave her little dolls away to make her friends feel better. Something about the mental image of that moved me. All those matryoshki now scattered around Russia, or wherever it was they ended up.
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borgesianfields
I'm always the "single" friend. While all of my friends have been in and out of multiple relationships over the past couple years, I've stayed single. There's a lot of reasons too numerous to go into here. But let's just say I'm pleased with being single and see no need, at this point, to worry about getting coupled up at any point in the near future. I do my thing, my friends do their thing.

But I can't help but feel annoyed at times, because my friends will start dating and then forget that anyone else in the world has ever existed. I know exactly what goes on, because I've been in relationships a couple of times where I drop off the face of the earth. Things are new, you're getting to know each other, and perhaps more importantly, nothing has become routine yet. So their new-found amnesia is justified to an extent. What pisses me off is when I'll call or text and won't receive anything back. Especially if I am trying to arrange something when we haven't seen each other in a while. This is part of a larger problem of certain friends being unable to meet me half way on a consistent basis, but that is neither here nor there. So I go weeks without talking to someone, largely through their own faults, and then when we do talk, all I hear about is their new partner is unnecessary detail. Sometimes, I can't even get a word in about what is going on in my life because of all that verbal diarrhea.

I'm not bitter, I'm happy that you've found someone that you want to talk about for hours on end. But it's rude not to contact me for a while and then expect me to listen to inane stories about people I don't even know. So let us all take a moment to think about decorum. We will all be the better for it. And in return, I'll listen with genuine interest (for at least ten minutes) and try to have more patience with you when you're going through the initial, exciting stages of your relationships.
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borgesianfields
Resolution for 2009: Will no longer develop crushes on language instructors. Too bad I've already failed once this year, thus proliferating the trend.

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borgesianfields
Sometimes I think I have a good friend. But sometimes, she is mean to me and I am cruel to her. It makes me feel bad on a lot of levels, largely because I'd like to think I wasn't overly petty or nasty. Sometimes I think you can love and care for someone and still just end up going your separate ways because they 1. aren't ever able to give you what you need or expect, and 2. cause you to become the worst possible version of yourself (character flaw city!)

We go around and around in circles, through periods of closeness and through periods of intense fighting. It's so abgefuckt that I can't even begin to analyze. I don't have this kind of dysfunctional relationship with any other friends. With my other friends, we rarely ever fight, and if we do, we are civilized enough to figure out what the hell happened and apologize. I've known my best girl friend from a very young age, and we've never had a serious fight whatsoever. Because we respect each other and our friendship enough to never let anything get in the way. At some point, it just becomes so stupid.

But this other friend is often times downright disrespectful. A lot of her qualities make our friendship difficult for me. As a rational human being, I've tried so many times to extricate myself but it's never been able to stick. It's kind of like quicksand, the more you struggle to get out, the deeper and deeper you are pulled in. Whenever we are on the outs, like we are now, it's easier to think about ending the friendship. I'm sure the results of a pros/cons list would be pretty overwhelming. And it's my own fault really, because I allow this behavior to continue. I allow myself to be drawn in to it. I'm ashamed of myself, really.

EDIT: Well seriously though, we all pretty much know why we have so many problems. But it's better not mentioning that elephant in the room.

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borgesianfields
I admittedly haven't been paying much attention to President Obama activities. But this whole Daschle thing is pretty stupid. What I don't understand is why he continued to press for appointing Daschle even after he knew about his tax issues.

What I really don't understand is why a high-profile politician who stood to gain under this incoming administration wouldn't regulate his tax issues in advance.

The minute this news broke, the President should have dropped it like it's hot. He later went back on his decision, citing that he "screwed up," and that there "aren't two sets of rules — you know, one for prominent people and one for ordinary folks who have to pay their taxes." This kind of seems like common sense to me, even in the seedy world of politics.

So my advice: plz pick ppl that pay their taxes, kthxbi. It's kind of embarrassing to me otherwise, plus I couldn't bear to hear the conservative media run with this kinds of freebie stories. You have to make them at least work for it!
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Cleaning Up
borgesianfields
I spent today cleaning around my room and starting with preliminary packing. I send all my clothing and usable items to the thrift store because I can't stand the thought of throwing something out that is still in good condition. That's how I ended up recycling the shirt that ended up on your floor one night. I hope someone else has as much fun out of it as I did.

Why I love working with kids... Part 3
borgesianfields
After homework is finished, the kids are supposed to read quietly until everyone else is done with their work. Once they finish a book, they write it down on a reading tree. The "tree" is a piece of paper with several leaves. Once they complete the tree, they are allowed to pick out an item from the prize box.

A few weeks ago, Hanna picked out a cheesy model car. Before she could finish it, her dog ate it. When her mom asked where we bought it, my boss didn't know. I felt bad because Hanna was really in to putting it together and was very excited about it.

Yesterday, I found a model airplane at the thrift store. It wasn't anything complex, just a set of pre-cut pieces, some paint, and a brush. So I bought it and gave it for her, even though I'm certain that breaks some kind of unwritten rule. I also know we aren't supposed to have favorites, but I can't help it. Any teacher that tells you they don't have favorites is bullshitting.

Today, she brought in her completed model. She even painted it last night. And in addition, she brought me a stuffed tomato that she MADE herself. Awesome!
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