borgesianfields

I am leaving the country AGAIN on Tuesday. I've spent the last two weeks obsessively packing and re-packing and doing whatever I can to save weight in my luggage. I've been reading all the materials the Peace Corps keeps sending me, even if the information is sometimes contradictory. And I've been trying to see the important people one last time for proper goodbyes, especially since one never quite knows what's going to happen.

My parents have scheduled the entire past week full of events. And I don't feel like doing any of them. What I'd really like it just some time to myself to ease into this and slowly finish tying up all those loose ends. And I'm not getting it. And it's making me cranky. Everyone, it seems, is at each others' throats. I jokingly asked my friend if I would get a freebie on murdering my family, provided I looked up the extradition policies between the US and Albania. But at this rate, they might end up killing each other and rendering me redundant.

The plan is this: go to Philly Sunday, enjoy a nice lunch, check into a hotel, spend the next morning with my parents, and then report for staging. It's basically a four-hour block where they ask us repetitively if we are sure we want to commit, and then in the regular fashion, they have us fill out forms.

I was talking to someone who volunteered in Albania before, and I was telling her that I'm just exhausted and that I'd be very happy to finally just be on the plane and be done with it. She said, "Saying goodbye is hard to do," but my secret is that the goodbyes aren't what's giving me the problems... it's just trying to figure out the packing and logistics. I've become a pro at goodbyes and I don't seem to think twice about it. Why fight the inevitable?

We got a call from our ISP telling us that we were perpetrators of copyright infringement. I've been downloading things for YEARS, so this comes as some surprise. As soon as they called and said there was an "issue" that they needed to discuss with the primary account holder, I knew that's what it had to be.

I think it's largely a scare tactic, and let me tell you: it's effective. I spent the next fifteen minutes running around like Karyn Hill flushing the drugs in Goodfellas, except my version focused primarily on deleting downloading programs and downloaded materials. Big brother can strike anywhere in the world we live in now.

Since it was the first infringement, it's a freebie. But I'm not taking any precautions, especially because we all use the internet so much in this house. Perhaps the worst part is that they tell you what exactly got you in trouble. For me, it was Revolutionary Road, a film I haven't watched, but heard was mediocre. I wish I could have gotten busted for something good like Slumdog, then I almost could have rationalized it.

So the downloading is done... for now. I'm leaving in a month anyhow, so it doesn't really affect me much. It's my mom that will have to deal with it, since she loves downloading music. Fortunately, we do live in an area where there are multiple service providers, so it's not like we don't have options if our service were shut down in the future for something else.

In Germany, I spent a lot of time translating papers on DRM and intellectual property rights. But not even that stopped me, and it probably won't stop me in the future either. The thing is, there are other people in this house that would miss the internet. And I'm not about to get them involved. I have no problem dealing with repercussions of my actions when it only affects me, but I don't want others to have to suffer because of something I did. Goodbye downloading illegally, I'm going to miss you.

I'm really sad that my class is over. I loved hearing my teacher tell stories.

She showed us a picture of her brother pretend fighting, with the sky as a background. It had to have been from the 50's, and she told us that she brought it with her to the US and never told her brother she took it in the first place.

She showed us pictures of her mother and father and told us stories about her family. Tonight, she had a Matryoshka tonight that was about a foot tall. She told us she didn't have any of the smaller dolls normally found inside because she gave them to all her friends. Her friends were jealous of her giant doll, so she gave her little dolls away to make her friends feel better. Something about the mental image of that moved me. All those matryoshki now scattered around Russia, or wherever it was they ended up.

You know, you're the one that calls me Felice. Does that then mean that my love for you will put me in a Gaskammer as well?

I'm always the "single" friend. While all of my friends have been in and out of multiple relationships over the past couple years, I've stayed single. There's a lot of reasons too numerous to go into here. But let's just say I'm pleased with being single and see no need, at this point, to worry about getting coupled up at any point in the near future. I do my thing, my friends do their thing.

But I can't help but feel annoyed at times, because my friends will start dating and then forget that anyone else in the world has ever existed. I know exactly what goes on, because I've been in relationships a couple of times where I drop off the face of the earth. Things are new, you're getting to know each other, and perhaps more importantly, nothing has become routine yet. So their new-found amnesia is justified to an extent. What pisses me off is when I'll call or text and won't receive anything back. Especially if I am trying to arrange something when we haven't seen each other in a while. This is part of a larger problem of certain friends being unable to meet me half way on a consistent basis, but that is neither here nor there. So I go weeks without talking to someone, largely through their own faults, and then when we do talk, all I hear about is their new partner is unnecessary detail. Sometimes, I can't even get a word in about what is going on in my life because of all that verbal diarrhea.

I'm not bitter, I'm happy that you've found someone that you want to talk about for hours on end. But it's rude not to contact me for a while and then expect me to listen to inane stories about people I don't even know. So let us all take a moment to think about decorum. We will all be the better for it. And in return, I'll listen with genuine interest (for at least ten minutes) and try to have more patience with you when you're going through the initial, exciting stages of your relationships.

Resolution for 2009: Will no longer develop crushes on language instructors. Too bad I've already failed once this year, thus proliferating the trend.

Sometimes I think I have a good friend. But sometimes, she is mean to me and I am cruel to her. It makes me feel bad on a lot of levels, largely because I'd like to think I wasn't overly petty or nasty. Sometimes I think you can love and care for someone and still just end up going your separate ways because they 1. aren't ever able to give you what you need or expect, and 2. cause you to become the worst possible version of yourself (character flaw city!)

We go around and around in circles, through periods of closeness and through periods of intense fighting. It's so abgefuckt that I can't even begin to analyze. I don't have this kind of dysfunctional relationship with any other friends. With my other friends, we rarely ever fight, and if we do, we are civilized enough to figure out what the hell happened and apologize. I've known my best girl friend from a very young age, and we've never had a serious fight whatsoever. Because we respect each other and our friendship enough to never let anything get in the way. At some point, it just becomes so stupid.

But this other friend is often times downright disrespectful. A lot of her qualities make our friendship difficult for me. As a rational human being, I've tried so many times to extricate myself but it's never been able to stick. It's kind of like quicksand, the more you struggle to get out, the deeper and deeper you are pulled in. Whenever we are on the outs, like we are now, it's easier to think about ending the friendship. I'm sure the results of a pros/cons list would be pretty overwhelming. And it's my own fault really, because I allow this behavior to continue. I allow myself to be drawn in to it. I'm ashamed of myself, really.

EDIT: Well seriously though, we all pretty much know why we have so many problems. But it's better not mentioning that elephant in the room.

I admittedly haven't been paying much attention to President Obama activities. But this whole Daschle thing is pretty stupid. What I don't understand is why he continued to press for appointing Daschle even after he knew about his tax issues.

What I really don't understand is why a high-profile politician who stood to gain under this incoming administration wouldn't regulate his tax issues in advance.

The minute this news broke, the President should have dropped it like it's hot. He later went back on his decision, citing that he "screwed up," and that there "aren't two sets of rules — you know, one for prominent people and one for ordinary folks who have to pay their taxes." This kind of seems like common sense to me, even in the seedy world of politics.

So my advice: plz pick ppl that pay their taxes, kthxbi. It's kind of embarrassing to me otherwise, plus I couldn't bear to hear the conservative media run with this kinds of freebie stories. You have to make them at least work for it!

I spent today cleaning around my room and starting with preliminary packing. I send all my clothing and usable items to the thrift store because I can't stand the thought of throwing something out that is still in good condition. That's how I ended up recycling the shirt that ended up on your floor one night. I hope someone else has as much fun out of it as I did.

After homework is finished, the kids are supposed to read quietly until everyone else is done with their work. Once they finish a book, they write it down on a reading tree. The "tree" is a piece of paper with several leaves. Once they complete the tree, they are allowed to pick out an item from the prize box.

A few weeks ago, Hanna picked out a cheesy model car. Before she could finish it, her dog ate it. When her mom asked where we bought it, my boss didn't know. I felt bad because Hanna was really in to putting it together and was very excited about it.

Yesterday, I found a model airplane at the thrift store. It wasn't anything complex, just a set of pre-cut pieces, some paint, and a brush. So I bought it and gave it for her, even though I'm certain that breaks some kind of unwritten rule. I also know we aren't supposed to have favorites, but I can't help it. Any teacher that tells you they don't have favorites is bullshitting.

Today, she brought in her completed model. She even painted it last night. And in addition, she brought me a stuffed tomato that she MADE herself. Awesome!

If I haven’t made it clear enough already, I credit my grandma for fostering some of my better qualities: my curiosity, my work ethic, and my desire to learn my whole life through. I spent so many days after school at her house doing homework, working, and playing. I can think back on these times as some of the loveliest, most care-free days. A widow since 1983, she took care of her house and her grounds with a surgical precision, even down to the weed-eating, pruning, and the countless coats of Rustoleum. To say she’s an independent spirit is an incredible understatement.
Things have certainly changed in the mean time. A bout with cancer and several falls later make it hard for me to remember how she used to run around so much. She’s become a string bean whose frailty I can feel when I hug her. I know this is just what happens when you get “old.” And I could almost shrug off the physical decay, but in the past six months, her mental status has really been changing for the worse.

She just doesn’t remember anything anymore. Our family has a history of dementia and her younger sister is suffering from the same symptoms on a more exacerbated scale. The mental slide is hard for me to bear; especially since she has no idea that she repeats herself as much as she does. She’ll easily tell me the same story several times at one sitting, always with the same pauses and vocabulary.

Naturally, this is the thing that has me the most nervous about leaving. I don’t know how I’ll be able to react if she looks at me without a spark of recognition in her eyes. Or worse, I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again after we say goodbye in March.

People have erased me as easily as you’d format a hard drive or erase a chalk board: seemingly without great difficulties and efficiently, without spare files or stray chalk marks. And I’ve always accepted it because it seemed like a natural and fitting ending to the demises of friendships and relationships. I knew that I had done enough at times to probably warrant it as well. But this is different. This isn’t an erasure by choice and it’s no one’s fault.
In the end, we do what we can. I make it a point to spend time with her, take her shopping, clean the house, do her laundry. I am grateful to have the chance to do all that I should have if it turns out that these months together are our last. It’s precious in its rarity and I refuse to waste opportunity.

As much as this will make me sound like one of those crazy dog people that owns anthropomorphic dogs, I have some concerns. Fernie, our seven-year-old Boston has been around through some turbulent times in my life. We got her as a pup when I came back from Germany the first time around. I found a picture the other day where she was sleeping on a curled up towel in the bathroom. If puppies grow up so fast, what are children going to be like?

She was always happy to see me when I came home over the brief weekends from college, and she’s always quick to jump up on the chair with me when I’m watching TV or curl up with me in bed. This is the longest time I’ve been at home since senior year of high school, and I’m not sure if she can even remember that far back since she was little. So we are pretty attached.

When I went to Pittsburgh last week, Fernie was sick. My mom said she threw up three times and would wait in front of my door even though I wasn’t there. I wish I could tell her that when I leave, it’s not forever; it’s just for a while. And I wish she could understand me when I say it.

One of my favorite kind of nights.

Flyers pull off a gutsy win and the Pens shit their collective pants with five unanswered goals. Wait, wait-- it's because they're missing Dupuis. Or is it Fedotenko being sidelined that cost a victory? If I didn't dislike the Penguins so much (because we have the best rivalry in the NHL), I'd almost feel sorry.

The Flyers went through a horrible year in 2006 and two very long losing streaks last season. It's a long season, especially since we're only at the half-way mark right now. Also, I really think that losing so horribly for that season meshed our group together. Our young core has lost and won as a team.

As a passive observer, I think the Pens are really missing some grit in their lineup. And that dirtbag Matt Cooke isn't going to do it. No one's really that afraid of Godard either. Losing Ruutu, Laraque, Roberts and Malone seems to leave this team a bit soulless. I watch Hartnell and Knuble play every night, and even though they have hands of stone and score nothing but ugly goals, they have a lot of energy and work their asses off every night. They don't have the skill that some Penguins players have, but they have more grit. And believe it or not, you can win on grit alone.

The win against Atlanta is a temporary reprieve for Therrien's ass on the hot seat. Any team can beat Atlanta, and they should have won this game easily tonight. Five unanswered goals doesn't happen very often, but when a team goes through a rough patch it just ends up happening this way. The improbable becomes possible, and there's nothing to do but whether the storm.

The way I see it, a player like Knuble would serve the Penguins well. There aren't any real power forwards on the team capable of scoring at a decent rate. You put a rough guy in front of the net and your power play should pick up. Sure the announcers talk about Peter Gun a lot, but don't forget how successful Malone was on that other wing.

And then there's the: "We need a scoring winger for Crosby" jawn that will probably continue until the end of time. I could have told you that Satan and Fedotenko weren't going to do it (although Feds has certainly played better until he wrecked his hand with Armstrong's face). The dreams of high profile wingers are pretty much financially impossible. I think the Pens should give the Staal on the wing experiment more of a chance. Staal, up until this point, has done little to prove why he was a #2 overall pick. He has the size and the speed, but I'm not entirely convinced that he has the skill to be a solid, top-6 forward. Maybe he can break out with more time in a higher profile position. I haven't the slightest clue who the Pens could pick up in a trade if they can't find a solution to their winger problems within their own system.

Last year they went broke for Hossa and went as far as they could. Their season was a success. It seems that fans want to regress upon Armstrong, et. al., but would they really be in a different place now if Army and Christensen were still here? Hindsight is 20/20, but I think Shero made the right move. If a big trade is in the works, who is the one to go, now that some of the excess parts have been moved?

Shero has done a good job of locking up the key pieces, but part of the agony with having such top-tier talent is finding suitable players to plug the gaps in a salary-cap league. Sykora, probably the Pens' most productive winger in recent history, is due for a large pay raise at the end of the season. They will have to start planning for the future at wing, and maybe a trade during this crisis can spark the team while keeping a long-term vision in mind.

"They’re starting to get some fans now, I guess," Philadelphia center Jeff Carter said. "We can’t buy all the tickets."

I love when Caps fans talk shit. Because it's like: "Wait, where did you even come from?" You have the best player in the league, but even last season you couldn't pack your own house. Worse, for the Nov. 2 game, there were almost as many Flyers fans in your building. That's hilarious.

Golf claps for a team in a terribly weak division that needs extra time to beat a decimated roster. You guys are definitely winning the Cup this year! Hopefully the bandwagon has more room to accommodate.

I haven't seen the older, better Woody Allen movies. I kind of liked Match Point, but I have a hard time forgiving anyone that purposely chooses Scarlet Johansson (she of "Wherever I Lay My Head" fame) as a muse. I'm assuming that if you're a writer/director in search of muses, you'd at least want to see their acting skills. Scarlet couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag. But my love of Penelope Cruz's performances was enough to suffer through two hours of ScarJo.

The movie focuses in two American women who spend the summer in Barcelona. Cristina (ScarJo) is an actress who just starred in a twelve minute movie. Cristina is researching Catalan identity. After their hosts take them to an art gallery, they are approached by Juan Antonio (Javier Bardem), who asks them to fly away with him for the weekend. After some discussion, they board his plane. In the process, Vicky, the more "level-headed" of the two friends who is engaged, sleeps with Juan Antonion. Instead of telling Cristina who also wanted to sleep with him, she privately agonizes over it. Cristina and Juan Antonio then begin a relationship, although he frequently talks about his ex-wife Maria Elena (Cruz). Eventually, the three of them begin a relationship until Cristina decides to move on to something else. In the meantime, Vicky's fiance arrives and decides to get legally married in Barcelona and she goes through with it despite her feelings for Juan Antonio.

There are a couple serious problems with this movie. First, I'm not sure why I'm supposed to care about either of the two Americans. Vicky presents herself as a decisive and driven woman, but instead allows herself to settle into domestic, boring bliss with her cookie cutter husband. At one pivotal point in the movie, she cries out "I'M TOO AFRAID" when talking about a potential relationship with Juan Antonio. It is unintentionally hilarious. Where Vicky is systematic, Cristina prides herself in being open in all senses of the word. How else would she end up in a three-way with Juan Antonio and his ex-wife? I guess the movie was trying to handle themes like duty, societal expectations for women, freedom, maturity and the search for love. But all I felt was my ass falling asleep at this pretty weak attempt at examining these themes.

However, it's not all doom and gloom. Cruz is spectacular. Maria Elena is my kind of woman: artistic, intellectual and incredibly unstable. Allen does a great job at building up the moment of her entry into the film. Obviously, Maria Elena is some kind of intriguing and hard to get over woman, and I couldn't wait to see her appear on the screen. The relationship between Juan Antonio and Maria Elena is far more interesting than touristas americanas in existential crises. I want to know why they could never make it work, since they knew something was always missing. I want to know how they met and see all their ugly fights, but also see what kept them together.

It wasn't an extreme disappointment, but with actors like Cruz and Bardem, I had certainly hoped for more.

This past summer, we received a random knock on our door. It turned out to be some troubled youth peddling magazines to win a scholarship, so in an act of charity, my mom paid a hugely overinflated price and bought herself a Rolling Stone subscription and me a Vanity Fair.

I couldn't have been more pleased.

Although it should really be called, "Pretentious: The Magazine," I really enjoy it. I don't read it cover to cover because sometimes twenty page articles bore me, but it does really have a good mix of commentary, news, and other interesting things that may slip through the cracks.

But they've really kicked it up a notch in the past few months.

On consecutive covers: Kate Winslet, Tina Fey and Cate Blanchett.In my opinion, Winslet and Blanchett are the two most talented actresses in the last fifteen years, and Fey's genius has finally been acknowledged. I can't wait to read the article on Blanchett (with photos by Liebovitz) since I've been obsessed with her for ever. I'm going to write my first novel about those cheekbones.

This is going to sound so crazy, but in an effort to come to terms with not leaving for the Peace Corps in August like I was supposed to, I tried to think of positives. Sure I'd have to put my life on hold until March since they had pushed my departure back that far, but I knew there would have to be some good things about having additional time stateside. And being able to see Benjamin Button, a movie I fell in love with by just reading the synopsis, was certainly a positive point if I had to sit around twiddling my thumbs for so long.

I don't expect much from movies anymore. I always end up with the feeling that I've somehow seen it all before. As a result, I don't put many expectations on movies and I don't go to see them in the theaters nearly as much as I used to.

So when I saw the initial trailers for Benjamin Button, starring one of the most versatile and talented actresses in recent history, I dared to hope. Coming out of the theater today after being touched several times over at this unlikely tale, I felt a mixture of gratefulness and relief.

Although it's not a story for everyone, it gains points for sheer originality. Critics scoffed at the long running time and the slowness of a plot. This is an epic if you didn't notice by looking at the run time. Although the plot doesn't always move in a quick forward motion, the peripheral stories all figure in each character's history. In short, the story highlights the importance of time, love and sacrifice and the eternal cycle of life and death. With echoes of Forrest Gump, Big Fish and The Notebook, it's an instant classic.

EDIT: I watched it again last night. And it still had the same effect.

My parents and I had a pretty low key Christmas. Festivities actually started for me on Tuesday, when we had a Christmas party at the after school program. The kids were all amped up on sugar, so I made sure they were kept busy physically to tire them out. I really love them a lot. I can see why having kids is so life altering on many levels.

On Wednesday, our plans to leave for the cabin were pushed back a little. It had rained the previous night and everything was a sheet of ice. It started to break up a little later, so our plans were only pushed back an hour or so. We arrived at the cabin around 2.30PM and were able to check in right away.

Most people probably think my family’s enjoyment of the outdoors is a little weird. We don’t go to the city or to the beach for vacation. Our idea of perfection is being in the middle of nowhere with a radio and reading materials. When I lived in Philly, I always cherished the week we’d spend at World’s End. This past October, I did nothing but sleep and fish. We have a new Christmas tradition over the past couple years of going to Rickett’s Glen and renting a modern cabin. The World’s End cabins have electricity, a refrigerator, a stove, and a wood stove. You have to go to a common bathroom and shower. The cabins at Rickett’s Glen are modern: electricity, electric heat, a fridge, a stove, and a microwave. We also have our own bathroom with a shower. It’s perfect for winter because no one wants to be running around outside when it’s as cold as it is.

We got up to the cabin, unpacked and took long naps. When I woke up, my parents told me that they forgot to lock the cabin door and someone snuck in with a stocking for me. It was a Flyers stocking, bright orange with that lovely flying P. Mom told me to see what was in it, but as soon as I picked it up, I knew from the rectangular bottle with a square top that it was a bottle of Disaranno. We pretty much had a full bar up here, even if you aren’t supposed to bring alcohol into the park. But there was more: the gift tag indicated that Mike Richards brought it for me. Loves it!

To surprise my mom, my dad bought $30 of lottery tickets (she loves those). So we sat around and scratched tickets for awhile. God, we’re boring. Then we decided to open presents, which was interesting since we put $30 limits on the gifts this year. I bought my mom some cheese making starter and a Tobias Funke shirt from Arrested Development. I bought my dad a bottle of Maker’s Mark. He’s not an alcoholic; he just wanted to try it because he saw a segment about it on CBS’ Sunday Morning. Dad bought my mom an iPod dock with radio and TV out capabilities. Mom bought my dad the ESPN baseball almanac, which he wanted to settle any and every dispute about stats that comes up in his office. He also got some chai and some candy.

I got the awesomest presents… EVER. My mom got me a weekly planner with important women on it, some chai, some espresso, some candy and some soap, and my dad bought me a short wave radio. I had talked about wanting one for my PC service, but I thought dad was getting me the Tinker Deluxe Swiss Army knife he asked me about.

I put in the batteries, put a random band on, and couldn’t control myself when I instantly heard German news crystal clear. I spent the better part of two hours exploring the dials and seeing how many stations I could locate. I found one from Tunis, another from Rotterdam, a couple German and French stations, a Russian version of Deutsche Welle, 610 WIP to hear the Flyers/Blackhawks game and Radio Havanna which had some kind of mailbag show on. Let’s also not forget the BBC which also made my face light up. It was awesome. I can’t wait to try this thing out when I’m over in Albania and can get more stations. Sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed at the radio’s magical power to overcome the distances that separate.

Saturday trifecta: Flyers win, Penguins lose on HNIC and the Blackhawks beat the Canucks for their seventh win in a row.

I love having NHL Network in HD and watching back-to-back games on Saturday night. My mom is significantly less excited because I hog the TV, but I can't control myself when the images look so clear and sharp and Sidney is running around cheapshotting because he's a poor loser.

I'd say at this point in the season, the resurgence of the Chicago Blackhawks is the story. It is unreal what Rocky Wirtz & Co. have done since the passing of his dad "Dollar" Bill Wirtz. We've all heard it by now: Wirtz did all he could to get rid of expensive, high-tier players and then refused to televise the games. He believed that TV flew in direct competition with game attendance. But what it really did was alienate fans and prevent growth.

Fast forward: the Hawks are now a serious threat with Toews and Kane. Throw in #2 in rookie scoring Kris Versteeg, a good, young set of blueliners, and a rejuvenated Khabibulin. Huet, brought in in the off-season to be a starter, was spectacular against the Canucks' offense. It's taken nineteen years for the Hawks to mirror their current seven game winning streak. It's certainly not going to last, but the Hawks showed last night what they can accomplish. The Hawks are rolling right now, picking up wins when they can. In a post-game interview, Patrick Sharp said it was their young legs that gave them the edge. It's also those same young legs that will hurt them come playoff time. These boys are very green.

For the long-term, the Hawks would do best to free up some money. It's practically unheard of in a salary cap world to have $12 million locked up in net. Khabibulin could garner some interest at the trade deadline since he's a free agent at the end of the season and some teams could easily absorb his pro-rated contract. The Hawks will also have to decide what to do with Martin Havlat. This is a guy you're only going to get 70 games out of in the best cast scenario. He's not even a point a game player, and with 23 points in 31 games he's not exactly strengthening a case for a large contract. If the Hawks can get rid of Khabibulin and Havlat, there's $12.75 million off the books to start. That will give them the money to sign a second line center that they'll need and a few of their RFAs that are due for raises. There was no way the Hawks could have fit Sundin under the cap, and they weren't willing to give up Byfuglien in a trade for Nylander. With a few key prospects being a year or two away, they could afford a veteran to hold the spot until Kyle Beach or Petri Kontiola are ready. For the moment, they are a bit stuck.

Most analysts agree that the Hawks are three or four years away from a serious run. However, the Hawks are a young group that will grow and mature together. Throw in their mountain of prospects (their organization is ranked #2 by Hockey's Future) and the surge in attendance and viewership, and it looks like hockey is finally back in Chicago where it belongs.